waiting

I've been doing a lot of waiting this summer.

Waiting for employers to get back to me. Waiting for my next trip. Waiting to see what my future will turn out to be.

I am not a patient person and I like to have everything figured out, so this waiting game has really been tough. There have been a lot of qualities about myself that are being put to the test: my inability to go with the flow sometimes, the way I handle and respond to certain situations. And, in the midst of it all, I feel like I am beginning to learn a lot about humility, confidence, and patience.

Lately, I have felt really exhausted by all of it. I am trying really hard to convince myself that I am excited but I just feel scared. At this point, I feel like even though things getting figured out, I still feel like I don't know anything. And that just makes me scared, and nervous, and crazy.

In the end, I know everything will work out and I will have learned from this experience and blah blah blah. But, right now, I feel like a crazy person and I don't like that.

valentine's day

Today is Valentine's Day (surprise!), and you know what? I freaking love Valentine's Day.

I've heard many excuses for why people don't like it: I don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, it's a made up holiday formulated by consumerism, I don't like all that mushy gushy stuff, blah blah blah. To those excuses, I say: someone in this world loves you and they will tell you today, and guess what, you will like it.

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about cards and gifts and flowers. It can just be about spending time with people you love and telling them that they are special and loved.

Let me tell you why I love this day:

1. I like mushy, gushy, cheesy stuff. Yes, it's obnoxious and makes other people want to vom but sometimes it's nice to be cheesy and romantic and sensitive. Who cares!

2. Valentine's Day gives me an excuse to wear super bright and sparkly pink nail polish named "Give Me a Coral Sometime."

3. I love getting dressed up and going to a nice dinner. I also love that my boyfriend surprises me by wearing khakis and a sweater for the day. So cute!

4. Surprising people with donuts in the morning is awesome! (You're welcome boyfriend and lovely roommates! I love all of you!)

5. Seeing all the posts on Facebook and Twitter makes me happy.

6. Valentine's Day is an excuse to eat lots of chocolate and drink lots of wine. Need I say more?

7. Most of all, I like telling people that I love them and why they have a special place in my life.

Why do we only have a few days of the year designated to telling people how much they mean to us? I think every day should be more like Valentine's Day. We all need to hear that we are loved. And I need more excuses to eat chocolate and wear annoying nail polish.

be here now

As a graduating senior, there is plenty to worry about, plenty to stress about, and plenty to be sad and/or excited about (yes, at the same time...I know, it's confusing and, yes, it sucks). There are lots of mixed emotions and lots of unknown factors. It's truly enough to make you crazy. (I think I may have already gotten there, actually.)

Let me give you a breakdown of all the things I am scared of:

- Not knowing where I am going to be living in 4 months. 

- Not having a job. Or, any prospects. Or, any real direction for that matter.

- Leaving Virginia Tech and the greatest friends I have ever had.

- Stopping my formal education. I know I will never stop learning, but will it ever be the same? Am I going to be challenged in the same way intellectually?

- Everyone and their sister getting engaged and feeling societal pressure from it. Are we really old enough for that??

- CHANGE.

I HATE change, and fear it; however, change is inevitable, especially now. It is going to happen whether I am ready for it for not (and, who seriously ever is?). So, I have to learn to embrace it. Keyword here being learn.

I have decided that all this worrying and stressing and being angry or sad about the next couple months is pointless because it change is going to happen, there's no stopping it. I'm not saying that stopping those emotions is easy. It's not. It means completely altering the way I've been thinking about the future.

It means instead of stressing, I become more determined and adamant with the job search. It means instead of worrying, I do yoga or blog as an outlet for my anxiety. It means instead of being angry or sad about what will happen, I will be happy about what is happening.

I am learning how to live in the moment; how to be content and joyful with what is currently in front of me. It's not easy, especially for a worry wort like me; I have to constantly remind myself of this new lifestyle I am trying to adopt, but the point is that I am trying. 

There's no reason to be worried about the future, or to feel pressure about the future, because everything will happen as it should. Right now, I need to focus on the present because it is the only thing I am sure of.

homecoming

Yesterday my cousin came home from his third tour in Iraq. I am so happy to be able to write that.

There were of dozens people huddled around a room holding signs and balloons for their loved ones, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the cars that held the best Christmas present anyone could wish for.

I clapped as the crowd erupted when the soldiers began to file into the room.

Families anxiously waiting while the soldiers were debriefed. I never knew ten minutes could feel so long.

I watched as husbands and wives embraced after months of being apart. I watched mothers and fathers greet their sons and daughters, each crying tears of joy. I watched a dad meet his one-month old daughter for the first time.

Then, I saw my cousin run up to his wife and give her a hug for the first time in eight months. I watched as he picked her up and tears filled his eyes.

And, in that moment I realized that nothing else in the world mattered. They had each other and that was more than enough.

The world may be a dark place but that room was glowing with love. We all need more moments like this.

greek yogurt and fear

It's 6:40 p.m. on a Friday night. I'm sitting on my bed listening to sappy music and eating Greek yogurt for kids, honey-nana to be exact.

Lately I've been feeling so full of fear. And that fear is starting to make me insecure about so many things.

I am so deeply afraid of the future, of the unknown. In a couple of months my life is going to change dramatically, but I have no idea what those changes will be. And that fills me with "what if's".

What if I don't find a job?

What if Matt and I don't end up near each other?

What if I don't meet my goals for graduation?

What if I let down people because I don't meet their expectations?

What if I let down myself?

There is just so much I don't know. I am trying to so hard to have faith and believe that everything will turn out the way it is supposed to, but what if that's not what I was expecting?

...See? There I go with the "what if's" again.

I know I need to trust. Who knew that such a simple word would be so hard to follow?

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

follow your heart

The other weekend Matt and I went hiking with his parents. I had never been to the trail before. It was beautiful; a great escape from the overwhelming reality at school.

As we were driving home, I had no idea where we were. I didn't know how to get home on my own.

It didn't occur to me just how lost I was until a couple of days ago when I was thinking back on our trip: a whole half an hour drive and I had absolutely no clue where I was going. No clue.

I just trusted.

I sat back and went along for ride. I trusted that Matt knew where we were going and that he would take care of me.

What a liberating feeling, having such complete trust in someone so much that you are able to let down your guard and let that person carry you.

It's such a simple thing, yet it's so hard for me to do. I am used to taking care of myself and being strong for everyone else. But, in that moment, I saw how easy, not scary or worrisome, it was to let someone else take care of me. I saw that someone else can help guide my path and know what is best for me, for us. I saw that trusting is good, as long as I am willing to forget my fears.

It's okay, it's all going to be okay. Because I trust.

friendly

Lately, I have felt really thankful for some very special people in my life. 

Senior year is busy and scary and tough, but these people help me temporarily forget about how stressed or worried I am. These are the people who I can have a serious, intimate talk with one minute then joke around with the next. These are the people who are helping create my senior year, not just have a role in. 

It's the friend who...

brings me a pumpkin spice latte just because, or

makes everyone pancakes at midnight when we are having a study party, or

goes to dinner with me spur of the moment, or

plans trips to different places for concerts or visiting, or

texts me just to say that they missed me.

It's the friends that I can count on to be there for me, good times or bad. They will always take care of me and look out for my best interests. These friends will love me no matter what. 

And I am so thankful for those people. It's because they love me and give so much of themselves to me that I am able to love them back even more. Because of them I am a better person.

These are the people who will stay with me once senior year has flown by and when Virginia Tech becomes just a memory. These people will last beyond my short four years here, which makes leaving here not as scary because they will be going with me.