waiting

I've been doing a lot of waiting this summer.

Waiting for employers to get back to me. Waiting for my next trip. Waiting to see what my future will turn out to be.

I am not a patient person and I like to have everything figured out, so this waiting game has really been tough. There have been a lot of qualities about myself that are being put to the test: my inability to go with the flow sometimes, the way I handle and respond to certain situations. And, in the midst of it all, I feel like I am beginning to learn a lot about humility, confidence, and patience.

Lately, I have felt really exhausted by all of it. I am trying really hard to convince myself that I am excited but I just feel scared. At this point, I feel like even though things getting figured out, I still feel like I don't know anything. And that just makes me scared, and nervous, and crazy.

In the end, I know everything will work out and I will have learned from this experience and blah blah blah. But, right now, I feel like a crazy person and I don't like that.

valentine's day

Today is Valentine's Day (surprise!), and you know what? I freaking love Valentine's Day.

I've heard many excuses for why people don't like it: I don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, it's a made up holiday formulated by consumerism, I don't like all that mushy gushy stuff, blah blah blah. To those excuses, I say: someone in this world loves you and they will tell you today, and guess what, you will like it.

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about cards and gifts and flowers. It can just be about spending time with people you love and telling them that they are special and loved.

Let me tell you why I love this day:

1. I like mushy, gushy, cheesy stuff. Yes, it's obnoxious and makes other people want to vom but sometimes it's nice to be cheesy and romantic and sensitive. Who cares!

2. Valentine's Day gives me an excuse to wear super bright and sparkly pink nail polish named "Give Me a Coral Sometime."

3. I love getting dressed up and going to a nice dinner. I also love that my boyfriend surprises me by wearing khakis and a sweater for the day. So cute!

4. Surprising people with donuts in the morning is awesome! (You're welcome boyfriend and lovely roommates! I love all of you!)

5. Seeing all the posts on Facebook and Twitter makes me happy.

6. Valentine's Day is an excuse to eat lots of chocolate and drink lots of wine. Need I say more?

7. Most of all, I like telling people that I love them and why they have a special place in my life.

Why do we only have a few days of the year designated to telling people how much they mean to us? I think every day should be more like Valentine's Day. We all need to hear that we are loved. And I need more excuses to eat chocolate and wear annoying nail polish.

be here now

As a graduating senior, there is plenty to worry about, plenty to stress about, and plenty to be sad and/or excited about (yes, at the same time...I know, it's confusing and, yes, it sucks). There are lots of mixed emotions and lots of unknown factors. It's truly enough to make you crazy. (I think I may have already gotten there, actually.)

Let me give you a breakdown of all the things I am scared of:

- Not knowing where I am going to be living in 4 months. 

- Not having a job. Or, any prospects. Or, any real direction for that matter.

- Leaving Virginia Tech and the greatest friends I have ever had.

- Stopping my formal education. I know I will never stop learning, but will it ever be the same? Am I going to be challenged in the same way intellectually?

- Everyone and their sister getting engaged and feeling societal pressure from it. Are we really old enough for that??

- CHANGE.

I HATE change, and fear it; however, change is inevitable, especially now. It is going to happen whether I am ready for it for not (and, who seriously ever is?). So, I have to learn to embrace it. Keyword here being learn.

I have decided that all this worrying and stressing and being angry or sad about the next couple months is pointless because it change is going to happen, there's no stopping it. I'm not saying that stopping those emotions is easy. It's not. It means completely altering the way I've been thinking about the future.

It means instead of stressing, I become more determined and adamant with the job search. It means instead of worrying, I do yoga or blog as an outlet for my anxiety. It means instead of being angry or sad about what will happen, I will be happy about what is happening.

I am learning how to live in the moment; how to be content and joyful with what is currently in front of me. It's not easy, especially for a worry wort like me; I have to constantly remind myself of this new lifestyle I am trying to adopt, but the point is that I am trying. 

There's no reason to be worried about the future, or to feel pressure about the future, because everything will happen as it should. Right now, I need to focus on the present because it is the only thing I am sure of.

homecoming

Yesterday my cousin came home from his third tour in Iraq. I am so happy to be able to write that.

There were of dozens people huddled around a room holding signs and balloons for their loved ones, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the cars that held the best Christmas present anyone could wish for.

I clapped as the crowd erupted when the soldiers began to file into the room.

Families anxiously waiting while the soldiers were debriefed. I never knew ten minutes could feel so long.

I watched as husbands and wives embraced after months of being apart. I watched mothers and fathers greet their sons and daughters, each crying tears of joy. I watched a dad meet his one-month old daughter for the first time.

Then, I saw my cousin run up to his wife and give her a hug for the first time in eight months. I watched as he picked her up and tears filled his eyes.

And, in that moment I realized that nothing else in the world mattered. They had each other and that was more than enough.

The world may be a dark place but that room was glowing with love. We all need more moments like this.

greek yogurt and fear

It's 6:40 p.m. on a Friday night. I'm sitting on my bed listening to sappy music and eating Greek yogurt for kids, honey-nana to be exact.

Lately I've been feeling so full of fear. And that fear is starting to make me insecure about so many things.

I am so deeply afraid of the future, of the unknown. In a couple of months my life is going to change dramatically, but I have no idea what those changes will be. And that fills me with "what if's".

What if I don't find a job?

What if Matt and I don't end up near each other?

What if I don't meet my goals for graduation?

What if I let down people because I don't meet their expectations?

What if I let down myself?

There is just so much I don't know. I am trying to so hard to have faith and believe that everything will turn out the way it is supposed to, but what if that's not what I was expecting?

...See? There I go with the "what if's" again.

I know I need to trust. Who knew that such a simple word would be so hard to follow?

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

follow your heart

The other weekend Matt and I went hiking with his parents. I had never been to the trail before. It was beautiful; a great escape from the overwhelming reality at school.

As we were driving home, I had no idea where we were. I didn't know how to get home on my own.

It didn't occur to me just how lost I was until a couple of days ago when I was thinking back on our trip: a whole half an hour drive and I had absolutely no clue where I was going. No clue.

I just trusted.

I sat back and went along for ride. I trusted that Matt knew where we were going and that he would take care of me.

What a liberating feeling, having such complete trust in someone so much that you are able to let down your guard and let that person carry you.

It's such a simple thing, yet it's so hard for me to do. I am used to taking care of myself and being strong for everyone else. But, in that moment, I saw how easy, not scary or worrisome, it was to let someone else take care of me. I saw that someone else can help guide my path and know what is best for me, for us. I saw that trusting is good, as long as I am willing to forget my fears.

It's okay, it's all going to be okay. Because I trust.

friendly

Lately, I have felt really thankful for some very special people in my life. 

Senior year is busy and scary and tough, but these people help me temporarily forget about how stressed or worried I am. These are the people who I can have a serious, intimate talk with one minute then joke around with the next. These are the people who are helping create my senior year, not just have a role in. 

It's the friend who...

brings me a pumpkin spice latte just because, or

makes everyone pancakes at midnight when we are having a study party, or

goes to dinner with me spur of the moment, or

plans trips to different places for concerts or visiting, or

texts me just to say that they missed me.

It's the friends that I can count on to be there for me, good times or bad. They will always take care of me and look out for my best interests. These friends will love me no matter what. 

And I am so thankful for those people. It's because they love me and give so much of themselves to me that I am able to love them back even more. Because of them I am a better person.

These are the people who will stay with me once senior year has flown by and when Virginia Tech becomes just a memory. These people will last beyond my short four years here, which makes leaving here not as scary because they will be going with me.

good morning

I love mornings. I love getting up with the sun and starting the day early. I love having time to enjoy my cup of coffee. I love taking my time and starting the day off relaxed.

There's a peacefulness about mornings; when no one is awake yet, there's a crisp chill in the air, the world is calm. There's no rushing or noise, just a calm breeze and a steady silence. It's beautiful.

thoughts on the first day of senior year

"I'm a senior in college...what?! When did that happen?"

"How many days until football season? 13. Okay, that makes school much more bearable."

"Stress and I are going to become way too close this year."

"I have to start looking for real life jobs. What does that even mean??"

"No classes on Friday. Best decision ever."

"Which dining hall will I eat at first...too many delicious options!"

"My only class today is at 9:30am. I am not going to be happy if I go all the way to campus for a 15 minute introduction class."

"Now that I have a smart phone, how much of my attention will I give in class? This could be bad..."

"How long can I go without thinking about graduating and leaving this wonderful, beautiful place?"

my inner peace

I love yoga. After a long day, the best place for me to be is on my mat. There, I am me. I'm not bogged down by what happened that day or what's bothering or upsetting me. My mind is clear and quiet. While I move through the poses, I am only thinking in the moment. There is nothing to worry or stress about. It is just pure calmness. And it's beautiful.

Find that place where you can find peace. Even if you can only experience it for a tiny bit of the day, having that moment of peace makes everything so much easier. Everyone needs time for calm.

take note

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

here's to you t swift

My ears are ringing.

Excitement is still running through my body.

Songs are stuck in my head, and I don't mind one bit.

My hands are smudged with Sharpie; a "13" still visible.

Scenes from the night reply in my mind - each one more captivating than the last.

Even though tomorrow will come too soon, and it's back to reality, tonight will still be playing in the back of my mind - the night where I could escape for a minute and be taken on a journey to somewhere unbelievable. Where I could forget about my worries and just be in the moment. Where I could just be me, a me that I've forgotten was there.

Thank you, Taylor Swift, for giving me that tonight - I will never forget it.

rough day...

But cookies, beer and my kitty fix anything.

thankful

Today was a such a good day. It made me realize that I have a lot of things to be thankful for. Here's a few:

1. Warm weather. I know it's been about a million degrees lately, but I love it. I like being able to throw on a bathing suit or shorts and a tank top and hang around outside. I adore the summer.

2. My boyfriend. I know I blog a lot about how amazing he is, but I really am so thankful that we are together and happy. I'm thankful for his patience with me and the way he makes me feel when I'm around him (good days and bad). He's truly been there for me in every step of this crazy journey I'm on and I'm so thankful he still loves me.

3. Having a job I love. I enjoy going to work. I feel accomplished at the end of the day (well...most days). The people I work with are great and we've become friends, not just co-workers. I have become really attached to the company and the people, and I'm so, so thankful for that.

4. Friends. The kind where you can just hang around and do nothing but still have a good time. The kind where you always have something to talk about, whether I've seen them the day before or a month before.

5. Virginia Tech. As much as I don't want to leave my job, I am really excited that I have one more year at Tech. I miss the people, the places and the classes. I'm thankful that I get to go back to school in a month and avoid the real world just a little bit longer.

my aha moment

I love when things are connected; when you learn about one thing then you find another thing that may seem opposite but really relates perfectly. It's that "aha" moment when everything sort of falls into place and makes perfect sense. This is one of those stories.

I went to church for the first time in way too long last Sunday. I'm sitting there, already overwhelmed by the worship we just had, listening to a sermon about legalism versus freedom; following the rules because you have to versus following the rules because you truly want to. Following the rules (e.g., going to church every Sunday, joining a small group, doing community service) are great things but feeling a true passion for them is necessary; a passion that comes from being fulfilled with Christ. We need to experience freedom from the grace of God, knowing that no matter what we do, He will always accept us. Only then will those other "rules" fall into a place where they can be fruitful, not just for yourself but others.

This hit me hard. I have a deep, unwavering love for Christ but I don't always follow those rules as much as I know I should. (I know I should - there's the legalism coming out.) I felt relieved, but also worried that I wasn't giving back to God what He was giving me.

That next Monday I went to a yoga class. As we were beginning our practice, our instructor was leading a meditation. She was talking about intentions for our practice and how yoga is about learning to "combine effort with ease."

Effort with ease.

That's when it clicked; it was so simple. You work hard at something but, because you are so in love with it, it becomes easy. It won't always be simple and painless but you can stick through those times because the ends justify the means. If you love something, all the effort becomes worth it.

All I need to do is combine effort with ease. Slow down and truly enjoy what I'm doing. Take time to figure out why I'm doing it. I need to learn how to be passionate about Christ again and how to show that passion through my actions. I don't need to be guilty about not following the rules; I need to find a way to make the rules fit my relationship with Christ.

I feel renewed. I feel passionate about so many new things now. I feel ready to move forward. Don't you just love aha moments?

long weekend

It's 8:06am on a Saturday morning. I am fully awake, although I wish that my body would have let me sleep in more. I am still nestled in my bed; warm sheets tossed around me. The sun is beaming in my bedroom, calling me to go outside.

It's a long weekend. And I feel like my body and soul are craving it. I am constantly going so this weekend my goal is to stop.

Stop worrying about the littlest things. Stop running around. Stop working.

This long weekend is about rest for me. A time when I can just slow down and relax. I'm going to take the time to do things that I've been wanting to do for a long time; reading by the pool, going to a two hour yoga class on Monday morning, crafting.

It's now 8:20am, time to get up. A beautiful summer day is waiting for me and I plan on enjoying every second of it.

Happy long weekend.

you know you're grown up when...

Lately, I've been feeling grown up. Here's why:

- I work 40 hours a week, usually 8:30am - 5:30pm. It gives me a sense of purpose; I like being diligent at work knowing that I am contributing to a real company for real people. But, it's also tough and exhausting.

- My dad suggested (when I write suggested, I really mean he gave me the form and said "fill this out") that I get my own credit card. Responsible adults need to have good credit apparently.

- I have money. Now, it's my full responsibility to pay for the things I "need." I now have many second thoughts about purchasing items, like that pair of shoes I have to have. This is usually just proceeded with me handing over my card at the register thinking, "maybe I shouldn't have done this."

- Getting a drink at dinner is fun. Fully enjoying happy hour at work is also very fun.

- 10:00pm is my bed time. Well, not really, but it's the time I really want to go to sleep.

- Everyone keeps asking me if working at AOL is something I would consider after college. Wait...what? I think in the back of my mind, I always saw myself going to grad school right after college. That's just what you do, right? I don't think I ever fully considered going right into the work force. Subconsciously, grad school was what I going to do. Now, I am realizing that I am starting to reconsider that. And, you know what, this realization isn't as scary as I thought it would be. Maybe I'm meant to be a working woman.

For now, I'm just going to enjoy my time as an intern, knowing that I am going back to school in a few short weeks. I'm need to save all this adult-ness until I've graduated. I still need time to be without that many responsibilities, to be careless and silly, to have minimal stress and worry. I need time to be a kid.

worth the wait

It's been almost a month since I've blogged. To be honest, I haven't really had much to blog about. My life has been pretty constant -- work, sleep and more work; not much that is blog worthy. There has really only been one thing on my mind lately, and it's a doozy. So, for my first blog post in almost a month I am going to tackle the big topic of s-e-x. Yep, you definitely heard me right.

Before I begin, there's a couple things you should know about me: I am 21, I am in a committed relationship of two years and I'm a virgin. That's right, a virgin.

Up until this point, having sex before marriage had never been an option. It's something I never even considered in high school. After being extremely pressured by my first real boyfriend, my opinion on this topic was strong.  From my 16-year-old point of view, I was too young and sex was supposed to be special and meaningful, shared with the person you were meant to be with (mature, huh?). And I thought that belief was unwavering.

Though my 21-year-old point of view still agrees, I have found that even the strongest opinions face challenges.

From my experience, in high school no one really talked about having sex - if you were doing it, if you weren't, you didn't really say. College, on the other hand, is completely different. People are more open about their opinions and experiences, especially with the influence of alcohol. Sex becomes part of conversation; people hook up at parties, "Never Have I Ever" exposes the truth about your friends or gossip spreads through groups. College is a time for freedom and new experiences...well, for some people.

Over the past couple of months, I started finding out that a lot of my friends were having sex. The real shocker is that I, even after being in a relationship for two years, was not. People were seriously floored when I told them that. They would tell me about their experiences and how great it is and how they couldn't survive without it. I began thinking am I doing something wrong?

And I began questioning my belief. What if I wait until marriage and my wedding night is terrible because I've never had sex? Is this really what I want? Is having sex really that big of deal?

But sex is a big deal; it's a huge deal. It's giving over your emotions, your love and your body over to another person. That, to me, is scary. Giving someone your whole being is terrifying. But, when you marry someone, you are committed to them in a way that is unlike an other and that makes all that fear go away; you know that this is the one person you are allowed to give yourself to in a way that is unlike any other.

In our society today, sex is just another part of every day life. And it's everywhere - music, movies, books. Sex is so relevant in society today that I think it has lost its significance and meaning. No longer is it about uniting a couple or making love; it's about peer pressure and feeling "good."

And I don't want to be any part of that. I love my boyfriend with everything I have and we have been dating for a long time but I want to save sex until I know that the person I am giving my body and soul to will give me theirs in return. I want to wait until I know that I will be loved and taken care of by one person for the rest of my life. I want to wait until the time is right and I can make love with my husband, knowing that it is something that only he and I will share for the rest of our lives. I want sex to be special again.

"The idea of waiting for something makes it more exiting."

- Andy Warhol

my first day

Today was my first day as a technical writing intern at AOL. Even though the building is huge (I pretty much only know the way from my cubicle to the bathroom) and I met so many people yet I don't remember anyones name, I love it. I'm actually excited to have a "big girl" job.

Here are a few of my favorite things about today:

- My cubicle. I have my own space with my own phone and my own computer and laptop. It makes me feel so grown up. I seriously never thought I would be so excited to sit in a cubicle, but it makes me feel like I am a contributing member of the company and I like that a lot.

- My badge. It is green with a paint splotch AOL logo. It makes me feel official. I was warned to remember to take it with me everywhere so I don't get locked in the stairwells. Note taken.

- Free stuff. (What a college kid statement, huh?) Today I got a free bag, water bottle, notebook, pens and an umbrella. I am officially branded by AOL.

- The people. Everyone is so incredibly nice and helpful. Everyone was willing to take time out of their day to introduce themselves and they really made me feel welcome. I am so excited to get to know them more each day so I can become part of the group too.

- Being at a company where people love what they do. Each person is passionate about their job and about the company. That's the kind of place I want to work. I love what I do. I want to be at a company that will foster that and help it grow. Being around people that eager and ready to work only makes me more excited.

I can't wait to go back tomorrow. I'm so excited to meet more people and get to know each person more (and hopefully learn everyone's names...fingers crossed!). I'm ready to dive into the projects and get to work. And, hopefully, it will be a great summer.

summer reading

1. Water for Elephants, Sara Gruen. Technically, this shouldn't be on the list anymore because I just finished reading it but when I intended to make this list I hadn't read it yet. Plus, I've already read it once before. I have a problem. It was absolutely amazing and I highly recommend it to anyone.

2. 1984, George Orwell. I started this one already so my one goal is to finally finish it!

3. Sing You Home OR Second Glance, Jodi Picoult. One or the other, maybe both if I have time. Jodi Picoult is my favorite author; I have read almost all of her books (there are a lot of them) and I love every single one of them.

4. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Stieg Larsson. I am the very last person to start this series.

5. The Things They Carried, Tim O'Brien. Reading great literature in high school is pointless so I'm re-reading this one so I can truly appreciate it.