disappointment

I have been waiting for a dress to come in the mail. It's adorable - one-shouldered, gorgeous little blue-green color with a ruffle that cascades from the shoulder down the side of the dress. I went out on a limb buying this dress. It is tight and usually I go for dresses with a fuller skirt, but it is for a wedding and I decided to try something new.

It's beautiful even as I pull it out of the shipping box in it's wrinkled, messy state. And I want to try it on immediately. I dash off to my room and quickly change into the dress; it's still cold from being outside. I'm praying that it fits, but when I zip it up and look in the mirror I am disappointed.

I look up and down at my reflection with absolute disgust. It doesn't fit, it just hangs on my body. The top of the dress sags where the missing shoulder is because I don't have the "equipment" to fill it properly. The length is awkward. The ruffle looks bad. It's see through. It hugs my body in all the wrong places. In fact, the dress looks so bad I want to rip it off and send it back right away.

I retreat back to my jeans, tie-dye and pullover but I am not comforted by the bagginess. It is only hiding my insecurities. I have been searching and searching for a dress to wear to this wedding and I thought I had found the perfect one. In my mind, I wanted to look drop-dead gorgeous, the girl that everyone looks at and thinks, "She looks good, I wish I could look like that." Stupid. When has pleasing other people become more important than making yourself happy?

I can't be satisfied with my clothes, my hair, my body unless someone else thinks that I look good. When I looked in that mirror all I saw was what a disappointment my body was - I can't fill out the dress, my legs look stumpy, my stomach is sticking out. The dress looked stunning on the model, why can't I look more like that?

I am so stuck in trying to be what society tells me to that I can't find my way back to what I want to believe. Here I am complaining about my body when God made me in His image. It's not supposed to be like this. God knit me in my mother's womb and loves me just the way I am, shouldn't that be enough?